News has reached the SKWAWKBOX that, in an unprecedented move, a word intends to sue Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson and his newly-appointed ‘fake news’ hatchet-man Michael Dugher for defamation.
The offended adjective is understood to have appointed QCs, Messrs Hugh Gorraby and Joe King, to head its legal action, with investigations firm Ure, Shytting and Mee in charge of evidence-gathering.
In a formal statement, Fake laid out the reasons for its unique move:
For years now, I’ve made a steady living by being clearly understood, with a clear and universal application and a well-defined niche to operate in.
Now these two have ruined all that by launching an ‘inquiry’ that associates me not with the obviously, well, fake, but with anything that highlights stuff they don’t want people to hear about.
I used to mean ‘made up’, ‘inauthentic’ and ‘false’, plain and simple, but now I’m being treated as if I mean just bloody any old thing, like Inconvenient or Embarrassing. It’s just not good enough.
Look at Watson, for instance. When that Corbyn bloke’s supporters were mobilising to help him fight off that coup, Watson claimed they were a mob, a rabble, a bunch of ‘Trots’. I’ve seen them and they’re grannies, students – bloody vicars, for goodness’ sake! Then he said he was ‘ashamed of Labour antisemitism’, when even my aunt Ignorance knew that was all cooked up in the hope that ‘mud sticks’.
I mean, he says he wants to ‘promote responsible journalism’, as if that’s something more common in the Mail or Sun than in blogs, but what about this in the rag his boy Dugher likes? [waving a patchwork of Daily Mail front pages reproduced below] What’s responsible about these?!
And as for that Dugher bloke, words almost fail me. Last week, the Mail and the Sun both claimed that Corbyn had been dancing – dancing – his way to a Remembrance Day service. Fake and they both had to withdraw the claim within a day because it was such nonsense.
And what about this? [waving a Sun front page reproduced below] – didn’t stop Dugher from appearing in either of those rags when it suited him.
Now that is what you call, well, ME! But all this misuse of my name, mixing me up with ‘unauthorised’, ‘off-message’ and any old bleeding descriptor, when it’s clearly just a ruse to shut up people who are showing up what they get up to and aren’t in it for profit – it’s ruined my living and damaged my meaning so much I’m turning transparent!
People can see through me – and they need to see through these bloody charlatans. I will have my day in court!
At this point, Gorraby and King ushered their client away from the microphones, as he was starting to become incoherent with rage. The SKWAWKBOX will bring you further updates as events progress.
In related news, Watson and Dugher are also said to be under investigation by police for the deaths, in an apparent suicide pact, of Irony and Satire. A note was discovered at the scene, on the day the inquiry was announced, that was as simple as it was plaintively eloquent. In another SKWAWKBOX exclusive, a copy of that note has been obtained and is shown below.