The SKWAWKBOX’s spies are everywhere. Theresa May was allegedly called to the Palace this morning for a special audience with the Queen. A transcript of this conversation between the two has just come in from an equerry who has asked to remain anonymous.
HMQ: One does feel that the old place could do with a bit of a facelift. Lick of paint, run the old Carpet Doctor over the Persians and all that. But £369 million? What about the public finances?
PM: Public finances, ma’am?
HMQ: Yes, austerity – tightening our belt, living within our means. We’re all in it together.
PM: Oh, that, ma’am! Oh, that’s just a load of old bollocks we tell the plebs.
HMQ: Oh? But what about the 120,000 children one hears will be homeless this Christmas?
PM: What about them, ma’am?
HMQ: What about them?! You mean we can afford £369 million down Carpetright and B&Q but we can’t afford housing for 120,000 children?
PM: Oh no, ma’am, that’s not true at all.
HMQ: Not true?
PM: No ma’am. We can afford both. Easily, in fact.
PM: And your new yacht. And your £3m pay rise…
HMQ: Easily?! So why aren’t we doing something about it?
PM: Do something about it?! That would go against everything your loyal Conservative government stands for!
HMQ: You mean Jez was right all along?
HMQ: Austerity is a political choice!
PM: Oh. Well, of course, ma’am.
HMQ: F*ck me!
PM: No, ma’am. F*ck them!
HMQ: So, can one claim the poverty allowance to heat the place, then?